People

People seriously get on my nerves. Don't you agree? They say one thing and mean the other. They do one thing and mean to do the other. It just seriously, Urgh! I also hate it when you try to make a conversation and they turn it on you. Or say something and then you reply and they get all pissed off that you said something that they didn't want to hear. -_-  so they sent you other things. And your like ok what ever!! 

School

I start school tomorrow. I am very excited! It's gonna be hard though, because I want to do really good this year! And I always try not to get upset in school. You know grades, being single. Etc. I really want to have a date to homecoming. Why? Am I so SINGLE?

At a loss for inspiration. So here's a short story :)

She open the door, looked in and was relieved that no one was there. She could finally have time to her self. After beckoning at peoples feet it was the best thing for her. But she forgot one thing. To check the closet. How could she forget the closet! She goes into the bathroom and starts to run a bubble-bath, then she hears a creak.

I saw her turn around and look towards the closet. She slowly reaches around the room until she finds a light switch. I stare at her right hand, which is holding a knife. "She's going to kill me!" I thought. I started to hide behind the coats and shirts. She started to open the closet door. She swung the knife around, as if to scare me. I can't be scared. That's not how this works. She starts to walk away, and gets undressed. She's still holding the knife, why is she holding the knife? That must be why i'm here!

She started to sink down into the tub, wetting her hair. She takes the knife (I wont go into the gory details.) and cuts her wrist, many times. her arm drops into the water and she turns pale. The water turned pink and she passed out. Sliding down into the water she ends up drowning. I stand still in the closet and panic. After my fathers death it was my turn to take over.

So I picked up her limp cold body out of the water and laid her down on a towel and dry her off. This was a very strange moment for me. I got her all dressed up in a pretty outfit. and placed her by the tub. Her soul was standing by my side, and I let her go. I walk out the room, through the kitchen, out the front door. And never went back there.

That was 3 years ago, since then I've dealt with many of these things. My husband, and two children understand. And when I die my kids will take on my job.

Who am I?

Who do you think I am?

Things That I Don't Understand

I dont understand the feeling of love, just the term in general is confusing to me. Falling in love. Uhm excuse me but the only place i want fall is on my bed, falling asleep. The whole term is saying that once you fall in love you cant get up again. (referring to the always going to have some feelings for that person no matter how much you don't want to.) It's just another way to say "this isnt going to end well."  The topic is just so awkward to talk about in in general but everyone always say "i love him" or "i love her" and i sorta just pisses me off because of the whole fact that I myself am a forever alone-e.

Feelings are just annoying as they are. Like ooh HAPPY now i'm pissed off! and sad! Like seriously brain make up your damn mind!
Why do we tend to hide out feelings? I:m not going to be a hypocrite or anything by saying i'm always truthful. because i'm not. No one besides me knows what i'm hiding behind my smile. seriosly. No music in the whole entire world that could make my feelings come out to someone other than myself. I have to hold everything back and I hate it, but i cant do anything about it i've always held in my feelings and i cant express. I feel like i'll be judged and I just don't know if i could ever handle being judged harshly again. I don't want to fall back into the bad life. I'm already half way there... And it scares me sometimes. In the beginning of 10th grade i was thinking of being pro-ana again and i just couldn't do it for too long. I cut at the end of 9th grade. and stopped before summer. But every now and then(a lot more than I thought) i like to dig my nails in my skin the leave scars but they don't last. i wish they did though. i would have hundreds on my arms and legs. I'm not going to go on about my life because there are things that I don't want to put out to the public.

Choices???

One of my friends nicole recently came up with her first blogpost, about choices. And it made a big point. The choices we make can either build or tear us down. We try to not make it such a big deal about the choices we make, but later on we'll regret them. Trust me, I know.

We all like to think that we know whats best for other people. But sometimes thats the problem. We like to put other people first before our own, which is a problem because we end up giving up on ourselves trying to make other people happy. If someone is sad, you try to cheer them up no matter what the consequences. Even if you end up sad yourself. Because it's in your nature to put people before you and take care of them. Right?

We waste all this time caring about what people think of us, but we end up giving up in the end because we feel unloved/ not needed. And that can lead to a lot of things that end a friendship/relationship/life...

It's really hard for me to write emotional moving things. To pour my heart on the page, because I just end up hiding my feelings or feel like my writing SUCKS and that i can't write anything well or worth reading. 

But the choices we make (like I said earlier) make us who we are. And whether they are good or bad. They're done and over with. And we cant change them. No matter how much we want to. It's like saying that you can choose who you fall in love with. You just can't tell if it will end up being all OK or terrible.

Talk to you later darlings... :)

Hope is the thing with feathers

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me. 

Emily Dickinson

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Ok, so recently i have finished the book and L-O-V-E-D it! The book was awesome, but if you watch the movie you will understand why it pissed  me off. This is a definite read. I still liked the movie anyway but it was just so different that i was confused. (I watched the movie first before actually reading the book.) it's 213 pages long so that took me about a week to read.

If you want an easy read this is for you. and i would love feedback if you have already read it Thanks darlings!

Sorry for such a short post. There will be more to come shortly!

“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower